


Jurassic Park Erotic Fan Fiction: Jurassic Porn?

by kimstheworst



Category: Jurassic Park - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-02 07:38:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18806674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimstheworst/pseuds/kimstheworst
Summary: Just Dick and Vagina Jokes Up the Wing WongLegit posting this idiocy to make my friends laughCrazy apologies if you got a ping that I posted something and were hoping it was a finally a new chapter of Last Action Hero.  I promise to get off my shit and wrap that up before the end of the series.  Honestly, I really have to, or there's no point.





	1. Chapter 1

Isla Nublar - 1993

A containment unit is lined up with a paddock. Workers scurry around trying to secure it to a gate. Just as teh conatinment unit is lowered into place it gets knocked off the lift by whatever is inside of it rattling about! a worker slips off the top and is pulled inside by monstrous claws! People scream: “Kill it! Kill it!”

But, alas, it is too late.

Just as the workers are able to tase the raptor, the worker is fucked to death.

By the raptor. 

His butt was everywhere.

Which is weird. 

Because the raptor was a girl.

Also, his dick was ripped off.

Life finds a way.

To get busy.


	2. Chapter 2

Badlands Dig Site-

Doctors alan Grant and Ellie Sattler use brushes and shit to scrape petrified dirt off dinosaur bones because paleontologists.

Alan: This looks like the most complete dinosaur skeleton I’ve ever seen. And I’ve been working about dinosaurs for a long time. I loooooooooooooove dinosaurs.

Alan: Dinosaur. Dinosaur. Dinosaur.

Ellie Sattler: I am the best fucking feminist hero ever. I’m like Ellen Ripley with her clothes on and dinosaurs.

Alan: Why are you talking like that?

 

Ellie: People should know. 

Just then, a douchey troll of a kid who totally does not turn into Chris Pratt when he grows up walked up to Alan and Ellie and was like “Raptors are just big dumb chickens.”

Alan took great offense to this. Because he loves raptors.

“Shut up, turd burglar! I love raptors!” he said.

Ellie: Yeah, kid. He love raptors. Go fuck yourself.  
Kid: Go fuck yourself.

And Ellie did.

In the middle for the badlands for twenty minutes straight. Because it was a dry heat out there and a little hard to get things going.

When she came back they were all like ew.

And Alan continued his argument with the troll kid who kept going on about “his riddles three”

 

Alan: imagine yourself in the curvaceous period and you get your first good look at this big bird in a clearing. And he is big. Like huge. Like novelty sized dino dick and its really ugly gross and just like the tip glistening. And he is rock hard, kid.

Alan: Just rock. Hard. 

And you keep still because you think that maybe his visual acuity is based on movement

Because you’re a dumbass

Who thinks all dinosaurs are alike. You’re a fucking dino racist.

You stare at him and he stare right back.

and he gives you heavy lidded come fuck me eyes. His pupils completely blown. It’s crazy, man. You start hearing like that one sexy times Arctic Monkeys song in the background somewhere. 

and you’re all like. ‘Am I really gonna fuck this dinosaur?’

And you think ‘I don’t have to do this. I’m not this person.’

But just as you’re watching that one sexy times raptor, The sexy times advances come

Not from the front, but from the side. From the other two rock hard raptors you didn’t even know were there. 

And they put it in your butt.

And it’s super messy.

But you’re also kind of into it. (brought you you by Brazzers)

The poo would be everywhere, kid. I’m tellin’ ya.

My point is: you’re still conscious when they start to eat...your butt.”

Alan finished up his speech.

Everyone looked at him like he had three heads, completely offended he would say that to a troll child. 

The troll child’s mother nervously led him away. “Come on, honey. I’m sure you wouldn’t experience complete anal prolapse. It’ll be fine.”

Ellie slapped Alan playfully. “I can’t believe you.”

“What, Ellie?! He made fun of my dinosaurs. God. What are you? On your period.”

Then she slapped him.

She slapped him so fucking hard across his stupid face.

“Don’t you ever talk to me like that again, you little pissant. You’re luck you’re cute. Cause I’m a fucking goddess.” said Ellie “Now come over to our dumb trailer so we can like have sex or something? Netflix and chill?”

 

But there would be no chilling. 

Because just then, an Ingen copter started landing, blowing all their uncovered fossils to shit.

“My dino boners!” Alan screeched.

“My plant...fossils?” Ellis said confusedly “I’m a dino botanist, you guys. These are the things I care about. I’m gonna shove my fist in shit later.”

And old ass guy who looked like Santa hobbled his into Ellie and Alan’s trailer just as he would soon hobble his way into their hearts.

Ellie and Alan burst into the trailer to find Santa Claus opening and drinking their damn champagne. Completely nude.

“Who dafuq are you?” Alan said.

“Yeah and like ‘why are you naked?’ seems like a more important question.” added Ellie.

“I always drink champagne naked.” Santa told them. “By the way, Narrator, my name is Richard Hammond, not ‘Santa’...and by ‘Richard’ I mean ‘John’ because Richard Hammond is the dude from Top Gear….I just forgot my own name...You know what? Just fuckin’ call me ‘Dicky McSunballs, it doesn’t fucking matter.”

“Who are you talking to?” asked Ellie “Are you having a stroke?”

“I made some dinosaurs. They’re alive. You should come look at them and sign a paper. For insurance purposes. Because someone was fucked to death.”

“Fucked to death by what?” asked Alan, a little too interested. (Or maybe the perfect amount of interested given his character so far and the fact that someone just told him that someone was fucked to death, which is a topic that is always going to warrant at least like...three follow up questions.)

Any crap.

“Fucked to death by what?” Alan asked with the amount of interest one would expect.

“Oh, by a raptor.” Dicky Mcsunballs said offhandedly.

Alan’s eyes glittered with joy like Sen Pai had just noticed him.

“So...you guys wanna fuck now or what? I ain’t naked for no reason. Not no reason. Not no how.” said Dicky McSunballs.

“Not with you.” Alan toldhim.

Dicky McSunballs cired allt he way back to his helicopter.

“They didn’t go for the three way, boss?” Antonio his helo captain asked.

“No they never do!” Dicky McSunballs cried.

“It’s ok, boss. We’ll stop by an Arby’s on the way home. You always have fun there.”

Dicky: I love my big beef and cheddar.

Back int he trailer Alan ate Ellie’s pussy for so long he got tmj and she ran out of back issues of US Weekly to read.

Super sexy.


	3. A Dirty Deal Done Dirt Cheap

It was bright and sunny that day at the little Costa Rican cafe. Called such because it was the only Costa Rican cafe. A fact not made up by white people to create a false sense of superiority.

Bus boys bussed tables. Waiters waited. Adn people...peopled.

The 500lb bucket of jaba the hutt shaped slop that made up Dennis Nedry sat schvitzing in the Costa Ruican sun.

A white dude in apanama hat scurried up to his table and took a seat.

“You got the money?” Dennis asked the man in the panama hat looking every bit the white boy toursit.

“Half now. Half whenyou deliver the embryos.” said the man slipping a briefcase across the table.

Dennis poppped oopen the briefcase with a gleeful snicker before tucking it safely away under the table.

“Okay, Cumguzzler.” said Deniis callin the man in the panama hat by his god given name.

“Shhhh...not so loud.” plead Cumguzzler.

“Cumguzzler! We’ve got Cumguzzler over here!” Dennis yelled.

Nobody so much as glanced their way. “See? Nobody cares.”

“You’re gonna need this.” Cumguzzler said smacking a flashlight looking thing onto the table.

“A flashlight?” questioned dennis.  
“A fleshlight.” retorted Cumguzzler tsisting off the top to reveal a really lippy rubber vagina.

“Oh ho ho.” giggled Deniss going to flop his misshapen dong out in the middle of the tiny Costa Rican cafe.

“Or at least that’s what it’s supposed to look like.”  
“Oh, so it’s not actually a fleshlight?” said Deniis a little deflated.

“I mean. You could probably still fuck it if you want to.”

That’s all Dennis needed to hear. He grabbed the rubber vagina and immediately started pumping himself away into the rubber sex toy while making just disgusting pig noises. Also, it was totally dry in there so he was just scrapin’ it raw.

Cumguzzler face palmed so hard. “Okay I’m gonna keep talking while you do that so just listen. There’s an activation button in the rubber vag that if you hit it the whole thing opens up and get super coled and you can shove some fuckin’ dino embryos in there. Make sure you remember the raptor ones because people think they’re cool as shit. And we don’t want just a petting zoo with fucking herbivores.”  
“But that would be so cool. You get to just pet them. I mean they’re dinosaurs. That seems like enough.” lamented Dennis.

 

“Have you met today’s consumer? It’s never enough.”  
Cumguzzler used his magical cum hadn to spray a fountain of acum and slid away like Frozone from the Incredibles off to many other adventures. But that’s another story and shall be told another. time.

In the background you just hear a waiter say in subtitled spanish “Somebody’s cleaning up this jizz and it’s not gonna be me”  
“I’ll do it!” volunteered Raoul.  
Dennis stared wistfully at the cryo fleshlight in his hand. The key to his future. The key to his heart.

Dennis never was able to find the activation button in the rubber vag with his dick.


	4. Chapter 4

Early morning (okay, probably more like 9am-ish) light glinted off the whirring blades of the helicopter as Doctors Alan Grant and Ellie Sattler boarded. No sooner were they inside than they were accosted by a very tan leather clad man wearing grandpa sunglasses and more silver rings than Melissa Etheridge at Lillith Fair.

“Hi, I’m ..ummm...Dr. Ian Malcolm” he said touching his fingers to his lips way too much. “And….ummmm...you must mbe Dr. Sattler” he said taking Ellie’s hand. She smiled coyly.

“Hey! Noooooooo. No. No.” alan screeched at Doctor Malcolm. “No!”

Dr. Malcolm might have attempted a retort (he also might have attempted to become a tap dancer if his father had just supported his dream. He might have attempted to fuck a ham sandwich. He might have attempted a lot of things. But I digress) but was interrupted by a still very naked Dicky McSunballs (John Hammond) hopping into the last remaining seat in the chopper, his old man dick and gigantic old man scrotum flopping about from the impact.

“Hey, everybody,. I’m Santa Claus! Nope. Wrong movie. I’m dicky McSunballs. We met before. Don’t know why I’m saying it again. The gentleman across from me wearing a horrible outfit for the tropical climate is Ian Malcolm.”

“He already told us.” groaned Alan and Ellie in unison.

“He like studies chaos theory and shit. I honestly don’t know why we invited him.” continued Dicky McSunballs. “Anyways better buckle your fucking seatbelts.”

Everybody scrambled ot get their belts on and accomplished the task easy enough.

Alan was the only one left without a male counterpart to the female part of his buckle.

He had two female parts.

“What the fuck am I supposed to with these two goddam vaginas!” he yelled.

“God, just figure it out.” Ellie yelled.

“Fine!”

Alan tried slamming the two female buckle parts into each other over and over agian with much noise , but little actual outcome.

“Heh. heh. Ellie. It’s like they’re scissorn. Eliie. Hey, Ellie. Get it? Get it? Cause like vaginas. Get it?”

“Alan it’s really not like they’re scissoring”

“Yes it is! You ruin all my fun.”

Ellie stared at him “How do I ruin alll your fun?”

“You didn’t let me eat cotton candy for dinner the other night. You didn’t let me swim after eating the other day. You won’t let me stay up to watch Letterman.”

“He gets cranky when he doesn’t get enough sleep.” she explained to the rest of the helicopter ( mostly the chopper blades?) taking either end of his seat belt and tying it in a knot.

“Thank you .” Alan pouted.

“You know two female parts somehow finding a way to work even without the male part. That seems like it might be a bit of ...ummm… foreshadowing...I mean who would have predicted…” Dr. Malcolm started

“Shut uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup” begged Dicky McSunballs.

And then they flew by a pelican. Awwwwwwwww….


	5. Chapter 5

Ellie, Alan, Ian, the lawyer * who was in the helicopter but had nothing important to add) and john rode in some jeeps with the words “jurassic park” on the side. because that’s where they were. And they were already all about branding.

Ellie held a big ass leaf in her hand.

“this is crazy this is (name of ancient plant) this plant hasn’t been seen in like a lot of years. Like probably at least more than 20 and it’s just here in this-”

“HOLY GREAT FUCKING SHIT COCK BALLS” Alan screamed wrenching Ellies’ head away form her plant?

“Ow!” she screamed

She was pissed, but only for a second. Because before her.

She saw.

MOTHERFUCKING DINOSAURS. (DUN DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNN)

Dinosaurs with the head things in the lake.

Dinosaurs with the nose things eating trees.

And wouldn’t you know it, some brontosauri too.

Nobody cared that brontosauri didn't actually ever exist.

“OH MY GOD! Dinosaurrssssssssssssssssss” Alan screeched. “Big dinosaurssssssss. That must mean they must have HUUUUUUUUUGGGEEEE COCKS.”

“Actually…” John interjected as a Brontosaurus stomped over their car drowning out what he was about to say.

The sound of Alan screaming “Nooooooooooooooooo” in dimsay rang out across the valley.

 

Chapter 6

“Heyyyyyy everybody come on this ride. We’re gonna ride it and it’ll be fuuuuunnnn.” Dicky McSunballs flitted to the front of the auditorium, mosquito cane in had as Ian Ellie, Alan and THE LAWYER took their seats.

“We have a videooooooo. Look! It’s me! On the screen! But I’m also here! How dooooooooooo we do it?”

Video Dicky McSunballs equally naked as the real one said some shit about stuff and then real Dicky McSunballs pricked his finger and video Dicky McSunbass was all like “Ouch. Imma kill you for that.” and real Dicky McSunballs was like “Slow your roll, jabroni.”

And then the video continued.

Mr. DNA popped up. He looked like a sperm. 

“He kids! I’m Mr. DNA! I’m basically fossilized dino jizz. Sometimes I feel sad about that. Mr. DNA has self esteem issues.”

Mr. DNA stared emptily into the audience.

“DINOOOOOOO JI-I-IZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz”

“Anyways. It’s fossilized and missing some vital genetic information. We fill it in with frog spunk. Because fuck. Who cares? If you’re gonna play god. Play god. If you got skin in the game. Stay in the game.”

Mr. DNA lit up a cigarette and took a long drag.

“So those dinosaurs out there? They’re a lie. They’re fucking mutants. WE can’t prove dinosaurs weren’t just fat birds. We also can’t disprove that raptors didn’t naturally produce glitter from their buttholes. But that’s dumb. If raptors made glitter, that shit’d still be on them.”

The video went on like that for another 20 minutes.

Everyone took a nap.

Then the ride started to move!

And they saw the lab.

“This is amazing, John.” started the lawyer.

“Call me Dicky McSunballs.” corrected Dicky.

“This is amazing, Mr. McSunballs.”

“Please, Mr. McSunballs was my father.”

“So are these all like audio animatronic sex robots or?” Asked the lawyer.

“Why does everything have to be about sex with you? God!” Yelled Dicky.

“Is this about last night?” Asked lawyerpants.

“You didn’t even cuddle me.” Pouted Dicky.

“Baby, I’ll make it up to you tonight.”

“You better.”

When lawyer and Dicky finished making out they looked up to find that everyone else had escaped the ride. 

Which was probably for the best because it looped right into “It’s a Small World “ at Disney World, right next door.

And they all would surely have perished.

 

“Mr. Hammond, mr. Hammond!” yelled a pre sex crime investigation BD Wong , as he ran toward the octogenarian with a penchant for playing god. “We just developed a new mutation for the dinosaurs. Not only are they only female now they can talk!”

 

“Well, that’s wonderful pre-sex crimes investigating BD Wong.” replied Dicky McSunballs.

“Unfortunately, the new mutation has a side effect.”

“What kind of side effect?”

“Well if you stopped asking me interjecting questions for a fucking second I could tell you! Seriously what the fuck are you even adding to this exposition? Pre sex crimes investigating bd wong slid a hand down his face in frustration “Unfortunately the dinosaurs now seem to be exhibiting a crazy sex drive”

“What?”

“they are fucking everything. And I mean everything.”

“What are 3 examples?”

“Ummm piles of pooop. Trees. and also other dinosaurs.”

“Seems like you should’ve told me that in reverse order to heighten it.”

“Not everything’s a fucking joke, John.”

“Ok. So the dinosaurs are fucking everything. eh. I’m not too worried.”

 

“I hate you.” said pre sex crimes investigating BD wong.

“Come see these fucking dinosaurs hatch.” pre sex crimes investigating BD Wong said finally. 

Dicky joined Ellie and Allan and I guess Ian, too, at the hatching table.

“He guys. Look. fucking dinosaurs hatching.” pre sex crimes investigating DB Cooper said.

A dino emerged from its shell.

“Mama” is taid in perfect english.

“And , oh look. It can fucking talk, too. Big fucking deal. And oh, yeah, it’ll fuck ya to death.” rambled Bd in a fashion drier than Kim Cattrall’s vag in Sex and the City 2: Lost in Dubai.

“Oh my God. This is a raptor.” said Alan.

“Yeah. It’s a fuckin raptor. I guess that matters. But like already told you, it’ll fuck you to death with its dinosaur vag. That seems like the more pressing matter.”

“You bred apex predators?!?!?”

“Again. Will literally fuck your dick off. Split you in two. Splinter the shaft AND your spine”

“I am so angry about these raptors.” grumbled Alan.


End file.
